is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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