good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize