just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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