I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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