I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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