Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
