you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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