happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm just crazy horny about you
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
