I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
