i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Are my feet made of real feet?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
