I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
