I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
