apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
