oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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