I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
40s are totally the cure
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
