There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize