I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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