two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize