cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
