my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The struggles of a small town man whore
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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