I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
