i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
