He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
