Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
