a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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