No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
