don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
