Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
