I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
