Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
