Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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