I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my phone needs a breathalizer
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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