I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
