What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
