just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
