We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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