I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
