we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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