Betty ford says i'm here all night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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