I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
