Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
