oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
this is an emotional support booty call
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
