My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
