I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
