so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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