Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
