Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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