He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
