Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize