God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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