When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
