so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
