I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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