The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
