I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
