there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
