I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
