my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
