I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im six kinds of drunk right now
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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