I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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