This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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