I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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