I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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