i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
